Key Points
- It is predicted that by 2029, the number of couples choosing lives without children will overtake the number of couples with kids.
- Both 'child-free' and 'childless' have been used to describe individuals who have no children, but there is a difference.
- Danica Partosa, 32, shares that her main reasons for not wanting children are love for her freedom and alone time, as well as tokophobia.
Listen to the podcast
'Being a mother is a selfless act that is not for me': Why Sydneysider Danica chooses to be child-free
SBS Filipino
11:10
It is predicted that by 2029, the number of couples choosing lives without children will overtake the number of couples with children.
When 32-year-old Danica Partosa finds a life partner, she said she planned on being part of the future majority.
'Child-free' versus 'childless'
Both "child-free" and "childless" have been used to describe individuals who have no children, but there is a difference.
"'Childless' means you can't have children," Ms Partosa said.
"I am child-free. I choose not to have children.
"I never had a mental vision of me being pregnant or holding a baby. I wouldn't play with stuffed animals or dolls and pretend they were babies. Instead, my mental vision has always been me reading history books or going to different places."
Ms Partosa says her 'mental vision' has always been of her travelling to different places. Credit: Danica Partosa
"When my wife told me that we were going to have a baby, I was excited. I initially wanted a boy, but eventually realised that that didn't matter. I just wanted the baby to come out healthy," he said.
"It was fun buying things for the baby and attending seminars to help us prepare. It was an adjustment, but I was looking forward to being a dad."
While Mr Bahala welcomed this change, all Ms Partosa wanted to adjust to was leaving her "emotionally and mentally draining" IT job in the Philippines to move to Australia for her postgraduate studies.
"I see my situation now as a trial version of whether I want to stay here permanently," she said.
"I moved here on my own. My parents trust me and they had built my self-confidence for me to be able to do it."
'I'm his second mum'
The middle child of a stay-at-home mother and overseas-Filipino-worker (OFW) father, Ms Partosa said that she had always been independent and self-sufficient, used to being assigned to different cities and living on her own due to work.
The Partosa siblings [L-R]: Marlo, Danica, Jade and Jerico Credit: Danica Partosa
"With my dad, he's always supported my decision."
Ms Partosa stressed that although she didn't want children of her own, she loved being an aunt to her nephew, Grayson.
Ms Partosa says her nephew Grayson considered her as his "second mum". Credit: Danica Partosa
'I stopped dating'
Ms Partosa admitted that before leaving the Philippines, she made a conscious decision to stop dating.
"In the Philippines, there's just so much patriarchy. A lot of men want to continue their bloodlines," she said.
"It was hard to get into a relationship. I kept on being told that I would change my mind and that I just haven't met the right guy."
She shared that although she continued to get push-back in Australia regarding her choice to not have children in the future, the dating pool in the country was somewhat easier to deal with.
Danica Partosa with her Sydney friends. Credit: Danica Partosa
"Although my last relationship ended due to different values, we were on the same page about not wanting children."
Introversion and tokophobia
Ms Partosa said her main reasons for not wanting children were love of her freedom and alone time, as well as .
"There's this phobia of getting pregnant and giving birth as well called 'tokophobia'.
"My friends talk about giving birth and (it) just never sounded enticing for me. Being a mother is such a selfless act and I have so much respect for that ... going through nine months of pregnancy, and going through all that pain. It's admirable, but it's not for me."
Ms Partosa shared that she is also an introvert and values her alone time.
"When you're a parent, there's very little time for yourself. I've seen parents schedule their lives around their children, and that's not for me," she said.
He said, "I used to play basketball and football, but I had to lessen that. I lessen going out with friends too, because, to be honest, going out feels like a hassle. My life just revolves around my family."
Danica Partosa with her best friend Credit: Danica Partosa
"A lot of my friends have children and I've seen how hard it is. They're still my friends, but we're not as close as we used to be because our priorities are very different," she said.
"For them, they wanted kids; but for me, if the answer is not a definite 'yes', then it's a 'no'.
"What I'm saying might sound selfish, but this choice is the best thing I can do for myself."
He said, "Our baby arrived during the bushfire and then right after, we had the pandemic. It was a struggle.
"And of course, there's the sleep deprivation that comes with having a baby.
"But for me, the challenge and joy lie in becoming a better person for my son. There's happiness in every milestone - when he took his first steps, said his first word. I see his progress and I see our progress as parents.
"When I'm tired or stressed, he'll ask me how I am. He's sweet like that, and it's wonderful to see how good of a person he is becoming."
The essence of a woman
While Mr Bahala found purpose in parenthood, Ms Partosa shared that her essence as a woman won't be defined by it.
"Even five years from now sounds like a long time to think of where I want to be. I haven't really thought about that yet, but I'm hoping that I would have my family over here by then," she said.
"I see career fulfilment and travelling for myself.
Danica Partosa rejects the notion that only having a child can fill a heart, saying "Honestly, my heart is full." Credit: Danica Partosa
"What I choose may be different, and that's okay."
