The toll of 'hidden work' on mothers who want to have it all

A husband, kids, a career and a well-managed household. Can women do the heavy-lifting when it comes to 'hidden work' and still have it all?

Can mums do the heavy-lifting when it comes to 'hidden work' and still have it all? Source: cottonbro from Pexels

Highlights

'Hidden work' includes tasks that are unaccounted for such as scheduling appointments, tending to tantrums and home-schooling during lockdowns.
Mums can become too busy to reflect that introspection sometimes happens only when the kids have grown up.
Men are instrumental in changing mindsets regarding hidden work.

"Mum has the important role of homemaker, manager of appointments, band-aid put-ter," Sydney-based psychologist Aimee Santos laughs, adding, "Mum is in charge of hidden work like these that allow the home to run properly."

Although work situations have changed and gender roles have blurred, unaccounted work such as taking care of children when they are sick and planning meals still typically fall on mothers.

Running to mum

"It's ingrained in children that when they're hurt, upset or when they need something, they run to mum." Source: Keira Burton from Pexels

"We Filipinos here in Australia come from migrant stock. That's our common denominator; therefore, we have the drive to make it in a different place. We accept that it's hard, but that we should be okay with it being hard," Aimee says.

In as much as Filipinos are accepting of the difficulties of living abroad, Filipino mums are accepting of their continued responsibility of being primary carer to their children no matter where they reside.

"This has been our gender training. We don't really complain about being the primary carer because there's an acceptance of the role. For us, it's a given. It just is."

It being "just is" is also ingrained in husbands and children, with Aimee sharing that though it might sound antiquated, mothers are still seen as nurturers and fathers are delegated the role of primary breadwinner.

"I do worry about women who have just given birth or gotten married. They shift from singlehood to couplehood to motherhood. There's no manual - majority of the time, they're just winging it or deriving from what they learned from their own parents."

And what women learn from their own parents typically involves sacrificing one's career and personal goals for the family.

"The time you care for your children is time out of a career progression or continuance of work. Work is halted or stunted compared to your male counterparts.

"Then comes the inequality in pay. Why is that, right? You're not taking a holiday when you're bearing and raising children. The hidden work you take on isn't deemed as formal work. Sometimes, it's not even seen as work at all."

Making mental space

A psychological impact of hidden work is dissatisfaction with one's achievements. Aimee says this introspection can occur during middle age or older. Source: Meruyert Gonullu from Pexels

Aimee shares that because hidden work isn't often acknowledged, mothers may be left questioning of their own accomplishments.

"This is the crux of what women can accomplish, of what they are recognised for or not. It could lead to dissatisfaction or even strained marriages due to resentment of having to take on the lion share of the load.

"In my practice, what I've found is that it is when women are middle-aged and the kids have grown up that they reflect on what they've personally accomplished...not just as mothers, but as people."

Aimee says that the reflection happens because mothers have more mental space.

"When you're younger and the kids are younger, your primary goal is caring for them. It's easy to forget yourself.

"You think about your job. You think about the kids. You think about the home. You tend to all the hidden work in between. You're multitasking and thinking of everything and everybody else. You don't have mental space to think about what you want."

Aimee shares that freeing that mental space falls on all parties that have been conditioned to rely on mum to take on the hidden load.

Let dad help

Men are instrumental in changing mindsets about hidden work. Source: Helena Lopes from Pexels

"There's nothing wrong with asking for help. Be okay with delegating," Aimee shares, adding, "The house may not be as clean as you like, but you can end up doing more with your career."

Aimee emphasises that men are instrumental in this change of mindset.

"You start with men believing that men and women are equal; therefore, hidden work should be shared."

Hidden work is especially more feasibly shared between couples who are working from home during the pandemic.

"Like for me, I had a lot of help from my husband - little things like changing nappies and planning meals. Mums would understand how much mental space it takes just to plan meals! Dads helping with the load is uplifting and mums are happier for it."

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