I come from a people-pleasing culture. There, I said it. Instead of confronting each other about awkward social situations, Filipinos tend to avoid them at all cost.
Growing up, I was taught to practise ‘’ – the Filipinos’ way of prioritising togetherness and group harmony above all else. Part of this is ‘’ or being able to get along with others that avoids any outward signs of conflict.
The keyword here, of course, being ‘outward’.
So while everything seems fine, deep down all the “Yep, no problem!”s would eat at you until you are utterly exhausted. Well, that’s exactly what happened to me. I kept saying yes until one day I was a huge mess. Later, when I sought the help of several mental health professionals, their advice all shared the same theme: boundaries.
That was nearly five years ago. Since then, I have become much better at setting boundaries, and I’ve developed a muscle for saying no.
That is, with the exception of one scenario.
When friends and family from the Philippines come to visit, I would almost always revert to my old people-pleasing self.
Filipinos are a very hospitable people. When a guest comes to your home, there is an expectation to offer the very best bed and food. We are socialised to make the guest feel special. If we fail to do so, it is ‘’ or a shame to your guest and others.
When a guest comes to your home, there is an expectation to offer the very best bed and food
I recall visiting the mountain province when I was in senior high school, volunteering to teach English in a remote community. In return, my classmate and I were offered a place to sleep at a local woodcarver’s home. We were also gifted several carved animals made by our host. It was a touching gesture, but I knew those wooden sculptures were more than his income for a day.
And now, as an adult living in Australia, despite being thousands of kilometres away from home, all these internalised expectations would start flooding back whenever a guest from the Philippines came to visit.
Recently, I offered to host a visiting friend at my home. But as the day came closer, I was surprised to find out that my guest had invited three others to stay in my tiny one-bedroom apartment.
I did not have the space nor the facilities for such a big group. Working from home, my apartment is also my place of work. I was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. I could feel the stress in my body grow, but I struggled to speak up. I worried I would disappoint my friend and her companions. What kind of a friend would I be? What would everyone say? What would they think? I could hear the ingrained ‘’ (shame) in my head, loud and clear.
Only this time, a small voice spoke back. “But shame for what?” it asked. Is it shame for not being a good host? Shame for not doing what is expected in Filipino society?
I now know that to deny my own wishes and needs can result in resentment and anxiety
Pakikisama means yielding to the wishes of the majority, even if it contradicts one’s own wishes sometimes. But five years of counselling and therapy has taught me this: too much pakikisama can kill your spark. I now know that to deny my own wishes and needs can result in resentment and anxiety. I also realised I am not responsible for how people react to my actions. I can only be responsible for my own actions.
While it is still a struggle, I am happy to report that I honoured my boundaries. I’d said no and clearly verbalised that I can only host one guest. Sure, it was awkward breaking the news. But I had done nothing wrong, I only upheld what’s important to me.
To other Filipinos and migrants who struggle to turn down guests from your home country, it is okay to say no. Often, your visitors won’t fully understand your current living situation. They may not be aware of your physical, mental, emotional and financial capacity to host, or even how much time you can spare. But do know that those who really love and care about you will understand.
Boundaries may come naturally to some cultures, but for this recovering people-pleaser, it is a muscle I continue to strengthen and build.
Maida Pineda is a freelance food and travel writer, and author of two books. Follow her on IG at or Facebook at .
