There is never a conflict free gathering in my family. When speaking to or seeing a family member, conflict always comes, as we were raised to be competitive with each other, always trying to be in the ‘. This was the case for my mother’s upbringing, as males were seen as more important, and also the same for my fathers’ side of the family, where women were seen to be there, only to serve men.
I am the eldest and only girl of all my father’s children. My parents had me, followed by four boys in a row. When the youngest was born, my parents divorced and my father had more children with his second wife, and then his third. This means the age gap between my youngest brother and I is over 40 years.
I always felt different from my family, kind of disconnected somehow. This only intensified as each brother was born, and I was less seen and heard, and my parents developed their ‘favourite boys’.
When I was born, my aunty said that I was my fathers’ pride and joy, a little blue eyed, blond haired princess, and I certainly felt that way, until my first brother was born in 1977. Sadly, he died within weeks of birth, and this is when my parents’ unacknowledged loss and grief changed them and my future. Mum had several more miscarriages, and with her confidence destroyed she was overwhelmed with crippling anxiety. Due to mum’s anxiety, I had to become the ‘parent’ from a very young age, which put a lot of pressure on such a young child. I was never allowed to mention any of the ‘babies’ that were promised but never came home.
I remember vividly in the kitchen one day when my dad suddenly announced that I was no longer in his will anymore, as he now had a son.
I think my mother resented me at times, as she had to give up a promising career as a doctor, something she was studying but then dropped out of to have me.
I was 11 years old when my second brother was born, and dad started to come home less and less after that. I remember vividly in the kitchen one day when my dad suddenly announced that I was no longer in his will anymore, as he now had a son. By this time, I already knew that I was not a favourite of either of my parents. It was also at age 11 that my mother joined a congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, where once again women were to be subservient to men. This injustice silently festered inside of me, especially as I suddenly, and with no explanation, stopped receiving birthday and Christmas presents, something I felt sure was tied in with my parents now having their preferred son. I felt I was being punished for being a girl. I also no longer received the attention and nurturing that I was used to as an only child for so many years. This translated to a love hate relationship with my baby brother, and as two more brothers came along, I was increasingly ignored, except to help mum with the boys. Dad ended up living his own life in the city while mum and I were stuck on a dairy farm in the country, with him only coming home every second weekend or so. When he was home, he used to play with his precious sons while I was made to do chores. The competition for affection was no longer viable, so I withdrew instead. As dad would often tell me, the boys were clear favourites, and it was obvious my mother no longer had time to deal with a teenage girl.
When I was 14 or 15, I came home late from a friend’s house and was met by my enraged father who screamed at me to pack my bags and not come back. My mother just stood by his side, not stopping him, or interfering in any way. Years later she told me I was ready to leave home as I didn’t need her anymore.
As I grew up and became a young adult, my brothers increased in their competitive natures with me, often taunting me with the fact that I was not loved or wanted by my parents. I had my own child young, and as soon as she was born, I informed the doctor that I wanted my tubes tied, as it was then and there that I knew I could never share the love that I felt for her. My upbringing made me realise that I only wanted one child so I could give her all the attention and nurturing that she needed from me.
As my daughter was closer in age to my young brothers than I was, she was instantly included in the world of competing for the affection of my parents, her grandparents. My daughter was thoroughly in the boy versus girl favouritism that was the norm in my family, and she was left out of trips to the football or other outings that my brothers could go on.
I am now a 46-year-old woman with a career that I love, who worked hard to achieve it by working full time, while completing a university degree full time, while raising a daughter as a single mother. I now have a husband who is my partner, my equal.
