I live with OCD. I didn’t tell a soul for over 30 years

Richard was in primary school when he first noticed symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Later, he self-medicated with alcohol until reaching a breaking point in his 30s.

Richard with his friends before he received his OCD diagnosis. Source: Supplied

A friend in high school had a cat called Maisie. There was a spot at the base of its tail that, when rubbed, would cause it to lick and groom itself uncontrollably. After a while she’d shoot you a cranky look, having had enough of doing something it couldn’t stop.

I get it. I’m a 50-year-old guy with OCD.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder for me is rituals, symmetry, perfectionism, contamination as well as ‘scrupulosity’ – a moral or religious obsession about thoughts or actions. I also have an overinflated sense of responsibility and very high standards.

Richard as a young boy. Source: Supplied

My earliest memories of OCD are in primary school.

Playing out near the clothesline I started touching the line and the pegs, but felt a sense of needing to do things the ‘right way’.

There needed to be symmetry or balance between touches by fingers and hands.

I can’t remember how I found out about OCD, but when I did I self-diagnosed.

Richard

My early teenage years were the hardest. I started having violent and sexual intrusive thoughts and panic attacks, as well as episodes of ‘derealisation’. I thought I was going mad and the distress caused more anxiety, which created a feedback loop.

I spent over a week having constant panic attacks. It was a living nightmare.

Eventually, I got some help for anxiety and panic generally, but I kept the intrusive thoughts hidden.

Over time I felt scared, confused and angered by these thoughts. I figured I must be evil, that I would hurt others and go to hell. I knew the thoughts weren’t how I really felt, quite the opposite. But they kept coming.

I can’t remember how I found out about OCD, but when I did I self-diagnosed.

I still didn’t tell a soul for almost 30 years. I hid it, lied, acted and made excuses. This was the hardest part in some ways - feeling different, defective and alone.

I also had some body dysmorphia, which didn’t help.

Richard and his friends are pictured at a pub. Source: Supplied

Sadly, alcohol is a part of my story. I was socially anxious, depressed, and awkward but alcohol changed that. I also threw myself at women and had a lot of casual sex. I just wanted to get out of my head and feel pleasure to escape from relentless anxiety.

Both turned into obsessions and addictions which have impacted other people, something I deeply regret.

Things came to a head in my late 30s. My OCD went into overdrive, with hand washing, obsession with contamination, and harm to others.

I’m nine years sober, and manage my OCD with an SSRI.

Richard

I was wasting hours on rituals, stepping out patterns - making sure my left and right feet take an even amount of steps and both step on shadows or different surfaces - and touching things evenly.

One day, obsessing that I had to fix a work document or something bad would happen, I got stuck halfway to work and was unable to make decisions. I called my boss who came and took me to hospital.

Finally, I was getting help and I told close friends and family. Not hiding it was a huge relief.

Richard is pictured in a photo taken this year. Source: Supplied

I started taking medication, took time off work and read as much as I could on OCD.

Unfortunately, drinking and depression sidelined my progress and I had another breakdown. But from that point, things changed.

Now, life is reasonably manageable. I’m working in a high-level government job after moving cities twice. I’m nine years sober, and manage my OCD with an SSRI (anti-depressant drug), as well as monthly visits to an OCD clinic.

I’ve tried several medications, psychologists, and psychiatrists. I have taken up weights, which helps with well-being and confidence. I also watch my caffeine intake as I’m very sensitive to it.

This is what I have learnt living with OCD:

• Don’t stop trying new things - medications and therapies will differ in effectiveness between people. 
• Own your OCD and your recovery – get the best out of your medical professionals. If possible, shop around for people that you click with and get it; 
• Knowledge is power - educate yourself as much as you can,  
• Do not self-medicate – this can make things dramatically worse.  
• Don’t lose hope - there is plenty of research being done right now.  

Readers seeking support with mental health can contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. More information is available at beyondblue.org.au.

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