Watch Insight's episode ‘Talking about Sex’ on Tuesday, April 25, from 8:30pm on SBS or
Content warning: This article contains reference to sexual assault.
For 55-year-old Nathalie, good sex with her husband is about emotion, flow, and not knowing where one person ends and the other begins.
Not everyone agrees, as social approaches as well as laws related to consent have changed considerably in recent years.
“When we have a real making-love session, this is about actually hearing the body of the other person,” says Nathalie.
What good sex does not involve, she says, is asking for consent.
“Consent, for me, is a bit legal. It implies ‘Let’s stop here…[and] look at this logically’.”
By contrast, 21-year-old Suhayla and her boyfriend make time to talk to each other about sex before, during and after being intimate.
“Consent is something that we’ve wanted to make an ongoing conversation throughout our relationship,” says Suhayla.
“Anytime either of us want to do something that may be a new interest…we bring it up as soon as we think about it.”
According to Sydney-based sexologist Tanya Koens, although people may initially feel awkward, they should always take steps to ensure their partner is consenting.
“People who don’t want to ask for consent are worried it will get in the way of what they want to do,” she says.
“It might be uncomfortable, but you won’t die if somebody says ‘no,’ and your relationship won’t be over either. Even taking your favourite thing off the table doesn’t mean you won’t have a good time. If somebody says no, don’t try it on.”
Suhayla and her boyfriend make time to talk to each other about sex before, during and after being intimate. Source: Supplied
Communicating consent
Koens says trauma responses such as freezing and fawning – when a person complies with what’s happening – can make relying on body language to determine consent difficult.
Under laws in place in NSW, Victoria, Tasmania and the ACT, if a person does not receive affirmative consent from their sexual partner, they could be found guilty of sexual assault.
A person must demonstrate they sought and received consent for the sexual act they engaged in.
It might be uncomfortable, but you won’t die if somebody says ‘no,’ and your relationship won’t be over either.Tanya Koens
The new standard has exposed differences in how people talk about sex and communicate in intimate scenarios.
Ms Koens says as well as consent, people should think about the pleasure of sex and how to make the experience enjoyable for everyone.
“Understanding what pleasure is, what needs to happen in terms of arousal makes a huge difference in how people experience sex and connection.”
Learning to talk about sex
But asking for verbal consent can be hard if people aren’t comfortable talking about sex in the first place.
Amal grew up in India and experienced major culture shock when he moved to Australia several years ago and saw how openly people talk about sex.
“I grew up in a culture where dating is not prevalent, I had no experience with it. I got married in an arranged marriage - we split after three months.”
In Australia, Amal attended an intimacy workshop and dating course which gave him tips on how to interact confidently with women.
He also chose to live in a share house with other Australians to learn how they talk about sex, which proved effective but confronting at times.
“They would just say things like, ‘I’m feeling really horny, I just want to f***k someone.’ And I’m like, ‘Where I come from, this is not appropriate.’ It was a bit too much.”
Since being in Australia, Amal feels he’s gained more confidence and is continuing his search for love.
“[Now,] I can walk up to someone in a mall or shopping place, if I really, really like them… and say, ‘Hey, you look really attractive, I really like you’.”
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit . In an emergency, call 000.
Anyone seeking information or support relating to sexual abuse can contact Bravehearts on 1800 272 831 or Blue Knot on 1300 657 380.
