Growing up, I never felt like I fit in. I had a loving family and close friends. Yet, I always felt like the odd one out. I would overthink things, and if some unpleasant thought popped up, I couldn’t shake it.
The feeling of emotional isolation got worse in my 20s. I put on a lot of weight. A girl I had feelings for rejected me. I was depressed and I felt like I wasn’t good enough.
After seeing my brother post a photo of himself on social media after dieting, with all these visible muscles, I asked him, ‘How do I do that?’ I then set off on a fitness journey.
I started training at a home gym with two mates. Months later, I joined a local gym. It started to feel like I was a part of something. There was camaraderie and a sense of belonging.
Every now and then, the old feelings of rejection would come back, and rather than address them in a healthy way, I tried to out-train them. In some twisted way, I thought if I could look a certain way, things would be different.
My training became motivated by self-loathing.
I distinctly remember the night I deadlifted 200kg for the first time. I was nervous and scared because, well, it’s bloody heavy. I recall picturing loading these horrible dark thoughts onto the bar as if I was lifting them too. I needed to hate the weight. Anger was the only tool I had to drive away my vulnerability.
After seeing his brother post a photo of himself on social media after dieting, Nick asked him, ‘How do I do that?’. Source: Supplied
Life experience, and growing up, eventually taught me that I had to process these thoughts and emotions differently. Training taught me a curiosity that transcended the gym, and I began to learn about and celebrate my flaws after being diagnosed with ADHD and mild OCD. It taught me compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. I learned I didn’t have to apologise for taking up space in the world, and most importantly that I am enough.
My training became motivated by self-loathing.Nick Gregor
I eventually gave up on anger and really got to a place where I wasn’t just happy, I was something I’d never felt before — content.
And, as the cliché goes, when I stopped looking that was when I found someone. We’ve been together for seven years now.
I regret allowing myself to propagate shame and self-hate, and the way some of my actions might have made others feel. Finding powerlifting and strength training or something I was passionate about taught me to play the hand I was dealt, and that I had to accept and love the parts of myself which I was trying to suppress.
I still deal with mental health concerns, and I still go to the gym and stay active as part of a way to mitigate them. I still believe a healthy body lends to a healthy mind but it’s no longer the weight that matters, it’s the lessons the journey has taught me.
Readers seeking support with mental health can contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. More information is available at. supports people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.
