Kids in Australia are exposed to pornography from around age , while many are having sexual experiences of their own by about the age of . Yet, there is a reluctance to have frank and honest conversations with kids about sex.
Historically, school-based ‘sex education’ has either focused on the mechanics of sex – like how to put a condom on a banana – or just plain old abstinence.
While it’s important for kids to know how to use contraception, there’s more to making sex ‘safe’. To combat Australia’s high rates of sexual violence, we need to talk to kids about the attitudes and beliefs that make sexual violence so common and normalised.
In my recent research on sex, coercion and consent, male participants expressed regret at having used sexual coercion toward girls and women in the past. They wished they’d learnt more about consent and sexual coercion as kids, instead of growing up thinking it was normal to push someone to do more than they wanted to.
Motivated by my participants’ experiences, here are some important things to keep in mind when speaking to young people about sex.
Start young
Parents and caregivers can start talking to children as young as two about personal boundaries. They can familiarise kids with what type of touch is appropriate and what kind is inappropriate. Encourage kids to identify a person they feel safe with and would be comfortable to tell if someone touched them inappropriately.
In teaching children to recognise their own boundaries, we can teach them to recognise when others are placing a boundary. This introduces the importance of consent.
Recognise refusals, verbal or non-verbal
Kids need to be taught, directly and through role modelling, to respect the refusals of others. This is particularly important for little boys, who are more likely to grow up thinking it’s their role to ‘dominate’ and instigate sex.
As kids get older, there is a lot of that suggest refusals are invitations to ‘try again’. It is important that kids instead understand that refusals indicate non-consent, and that one refusal is enough.
Refusals can be verbal, such as ‘no’, or ‘I would, but I’m too tired’, or non-verbal like pushing someone’s hand away, silence or passivity. It’s important that kids recognise non-consenting body language as a stop sign, and a point where they need to check-in with the other person about what they’re comfortable with.
Give teens credit
Having sex, or having interest in having sex, is totally normal. Sex can be a source of pleasure, fun and self-expression.
Some adults, though, treat sex as off-limits. We are doing teens a disservice by assuming they’re ‘not ready’ to talk about something they’re probably already talking about, or doing, with their peers.
Using juvenile and condescending language (like the recent ) can lead kids to disregard or make fun of the message. It’s better to use clear, direct language and confront the topics that need to be discussed in a way that doesn’t insult their intelligence.
If adults speak to kids maturely about sex, they’re more likely to develop confidence speaking with their own sexual partners. Let kids know that talking about likes, dislikes, and boundaries is normal and important.
The controversial 'milkshake' video was pulled after a number of complaints about it's messaging. Source: Supplied
Teach consent as a process, not an event
Consent means that everyone involved in the sexual activity wants to be there and is participating free from coercion. There is a misconception that consent is a singular question that is supposed to happen ‘before sex’, something along the lines of ‘do you want to do this?’
But sex looks different to different people: it could be oral sex, vaginal sex, or anal sex. So, only asking when already naked, or right before penetration, isn’t really giving someone a chance to consider. Instead, it’s important to encourage kids to see consent as a process, not an event.
Consent as a process means that we continuously look for positive and negative body language, and accept when someone changes their mind. Consent as a process means that each new act needs positive signs of consent before it begins.
Gender and sexuality are important factors
In a heterosexual context boys and men are overwhelmingly responsible for sexual violence, and girls and women the targets of that violence. We need to focus attention on to practise genuine consent.
LGBTQIAP+ kids, who are already marginalised because of their gender identity or sexuality, are at even . Trans people and bisexual girls and women experience the highest rates of sexual violence, partly due to a belief that they are more .
Adults need to acknowledge that some people are more likely to use sexual violence, and some more likely to be harmed by it. We can then provide gender and sexuality informed education and support.
Actively avoid victim blame
There is a society-wide tendency to draw on to divert attention away from the person who enacted sexual violence, onto the person who was harmed by it. Common examples of this are comments like, ‘She went to his house, what did she expect?’ or ‘They should have just said no’.
When discussing sexual misconduct with kids, use language that focuses accountability onto the person who did something wrong, rather than suggesting a type of behaviour (being drunk or dressing a certain way) is ‘asking for it’.
Challenge rigid gender roles
Rigid gender roles situate boys/men as in control and sexually driven. Boys receive the message that their manliness is closely tied to their sexual prowess. Therefore they are more motivated to push for sex, oftentimes so they can impress their peers.
Cultural messaging positions girls/women as gatekeepers. Gatekeeping refers to the idea that if someone really doesn’t want something to happen that they will continuously refuse. In reality, refusing is hard to do, let alone when refusals aren’t being respected. Girls are often expected to refuse verbally even when no question has been asked.
It’s important to have clear and direct conversations with kids about why rigid gender roles are problematic. Encourage boys to practice empathy and let them know they can hurt people by being pushy, manipulative or forceful.
Mardi Wilson is working on a PhD on sexual coercion, focusing on themes like patriarchal masculinity, consent and rape culture. She also works for the Men and Family Centre, a men's behaviour change program, counselling victim survivors of domestic violence.
