Insight explores what happens to a family when there are clear favourite, and non-favourite, children. Watch the full episode on SBS On Demand .
‘Who’s the favourite child?’ is common banter around many family dinner tables, but for some siblings the effects of parental favouritism are traumatic and last well into adulthood.
Rhett Hutchence, the brother of the late frontman Michael Hutchence, said he felt the effects of feeling like the less favoured child from his tween years, a long time before Michael became famous.
His sister, Tina describes Michael as the “chosen one’ and Rhett as an ‘angry kid’. When Rhett was 12 he came home from school to find his mother waiting in the driveway with two airplane tickets, one for herself and one for Michael and a taxi waiting to leave. She announced she was heading to work in LA and taking Michael with her.
“When you've got a child who's a bit more of a rebel and a bit more, you know, causing more problems and things like that, I guess you have one [favourite child] because they're liked a bit more and will be easier to handle. I guess that's what she was trying to do, you know,” Rhett said.
Michael and his mother, Patricia Glassop, spent 18 months in Hollywood while Patricia was working as a make-up artist. Rhett said during that time he thought he wasn’t good enough to be taken on his mother’s adventure and wondered why Michael was the chosen one.
Kylie and Michael on holiday. Source: Madman Entertainment
"But I think in some ways that damage was already done. I mean I took it fairly hard, I took another path. My life took another path due to that. I think due to abandonment and rejection.”
Rhett said he was left with seven different Dial-an-Angel nannies to care for him during that time as his father was working a lot. He said the last nanny introduced him to marijuana and by the age of 16 he was a heavy drug user.
“I only dealt with those matters of abandonment and rejection the first time when I went to rehab in ‘92. So up until then it was causing me grief or it was a reason I got to where I got and, and then after that, being able to talk to them and having some clarity in my life, being able to speak with both parents about the issues, coming to terms with that, I slowly grew out of things, I was searching for clarity for a long time and I finally got it and quite happy with it now,” Rhett said.
Every parent in Australia is telling us that they don't have a favourite child but I think they're kind of lying to us because we do have a favourite child.
Parenting author and speaker, Justin Coulson, said the effects can be lasting on children who perceive themselves to be not the favourite.
“The effects of thinking that you're not the favourite child can be both intrinsic and extrinsic. So internally there's things like depression and anxiety that can come over the long term. There's this sense that I'm rejected, I'm not worthy, I'm just not good enough. Obviously it exists on a continuum."
"There are some children, some subsequent adults who say well, that was then and we've all moved past that and we've made peace with it and we get through it, and for other people it becomes a defining characteristic of their lives.
"It impacts on their desire for work or the heights to which they can rise, it impacts on their relationships with their intimate partners, with their parents. Definitely impacts on sibling closeness,” explained Justin.
Most parents say they love their children equally. But an Australian study revealed most people can easily identify the family "favourite" as well as the "black sheep". The research from Macquarie University showed 69 per cent could identify the family "favourite" and 80 per cent could identify the "black sheep".
Parenting author, Maggie Dent, said admitting you have a favourite child is taboo.
“People do beat themselves up, I shouldn’t have a favourite, I should be able to treat everyone fairly."
“I think most parents don't plan to have favourites and it's a moving beast, and we know that you might have a favourite when they're little but that may actually change as they head towards the teen years. So I think most of us really, if we really looked at it, found there was one child we found was easier to parent, which could then drop into the favourite box.”
Davy Nguyen is the father to three daughters, Angelique, 20, Trinity, 18 and Siobhan, 15. He said he doesn’t feel uncomfortable about choosing a favourite child as it changes regularly and it keeps his daughters on their toes.
“Every parent in Australia is telling us that they don't have a favourite child but I think they're kind of lying to us because we do have a favourite child. But in my household it's like each child is favourite for that particular week, or that particular month, so they do have an option to work their way back up to be my favourite child for that month."
His eldest daughter Angelique said her father picking favourites doesn’t hurt her.
“Even though I get told off most by my dad I see myself as the favourite still because I see it as him being caring towards me so I turn out the right way. So I try to see things, like even when he gets angry, I know he's doing it because it’s to make me a better person so I take those things and turn it around like oh, I'm the favourite. He gets angry at me the most because he loves me. I'm clearly something special.”
*The research, by Julie Fitness, associate professor of psychology at Macquarie University, shows 69 per cent of her sample of 70 could identify the family "favourite" and 80 per cent could identify the "black sheep".
