Infertility and difficulties related to conception and pregnancy are difficult topics that many people skirt around, but this silence, or taboo, does not help couples who face them.
Marta, an Italian woman who has lived in Australia for ten years, reached a much desired and uncomplicated pregnancy, after years of miscarriages and unsuccessful attempts with IVF.
"I thought I had won the lotto, I thought I would become a mum too," she told SBS Italian.
However, as her due date approached, she suddenly discovered that her baby hadn't made it. The news was both traumatic and utterly unexpected.
Key points
- Stillbirth is the term used for the death of a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy (in Australia) and before or during birth
- On average every day in Australia
- The causes are multiple but often unpredictable and may include congenital abnormalities of the fetus (in about one-third of cases), diseases affecting the mother (about 15%), but also cases where a cause cannot be identified (about 15%)
"Three years ago I had no idea of the numbers, of the statistics on abortions and stillbirths," Marta says.
"Like me, surely there are thousands of other women who suffer in silence, cry behind a closed window ... there are so many."
According to the latest figures from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, each day six babies are stillborn and two die within 28 days of birth (neonatal death). Collectively they're known as perinatal deaths.
Between 2017 and 2018, of 5,808 perinatal deaths in Australia, 74 per cent were stillbirths and 26 per cent were neonatal deaths.
Marta's long path to recovery included finding much-needed help attending the groups of the Red Nose-SANDS organisation, which helps support those who have faced miscarriages, perinatal and neonatal deaths.
"For each one of us a dramatic experience brings unique experiences," she says, remembering how even her own needs have changed over time. But she stresses that it's important "to be able to talk about it and be seen for what one is."
Shared experience
For this reason, Marta wants to share her experience, and remind people going through a similar situation that no matter how devastating and painful the bereavement is, asking for help (and receiving it) can be invaluable.
Leigh Brezler, Chief Executive Officer of the , explains that the trauma of stillbirth is profound, and is made even more difficult by the lack of social awareness of the problem.
From a personal level, parents must deal with the loss of their baby and all of the hopes and dreams attached to the baby’s existence.
"They must juggle practicalities, (for the mother) physical recovery after pregnancy and childbirth, planning the funeral for the boy or girl, how to communicate their loss to friends and family, and how to navigate their 'new normal' without their babies."
But the problem is also managing the reactions of those around them.
“Many people do not know what to say or how to react to or treat bereaved parents," she says.
"Some make unhelpful comments (at least you can have another baby, it’s God’s will, etc,) – some people do not say anything, and it’s often difficult to reintegrate into certain friendship groups.
'Saying the baby's name'
"In my experience, every parent wants to talk about their baby and be asked about them," says Brezler, who points out that her Foundation's website includes dedicated to those around the couple affected by the loss - be they relatives, friends or colleagues - with helpful advice on how to support them.
Tips include "saying their baby’s name and asking if they want to talk about their baby," she explains, but also practical gestures such as "dropping off meals, offering to help with their other children (if there are any and if it’s appropriate), and just generally being there to listen.”
Her words are echoed by Marta.
"It helps me a lot when people around me say his name, Jimmy".
For those who need support:
The organisation has a Bereavement Support Line, open 24/7: 1300 308 307. On request it is possible to obtain an interpreter, the service is free.
For those who need psychological support, LIFELINE's telephone line 13 11 14.
Listen to Marta's interview in Italian
LISTEN TO
Morti in grembo, il percorso di una mamma per affrontare il lutto
SBS Italian
22:41
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