Hongxiu Wang was at home in China when she was told her son is gay.
He’d been the source of immense family pride after being accepted to study at the University of Sydney.
“I was stunned,” she told SBS Mandarin. “Why was this happening to me?”
In Shanxi Province, China's north where she lives, homosexuality is still an untouchable topic for many.
“I hadn’t even heard about this kind of thing before. It felt like my world had collapsed.”
After graduating from university, her son attained permanent residency in Australia.
She was convinced he’d been "influenced by western culture" by coming out as gay, and she decided to "make it right".
Mrs Wang flew to Sydney in a desperate effort to "return him to normal".
For the sake of the family, she wanted him to marry a woman.
Her mission was always destined to fail. Not only had he fallen in love with Australia, but also a man.
She lashed out at her son, telling him she never wanted to see him again. "I have a shameful son," she scolded him. "Go jump into the sea."
In the hours after that confrontation, her son went missing. Calls and messages went unanswered and she soon feared the worst.
“That day felt like years,” she said.
But it also brought home the stark reality. She would need to either accept her son as gay or face losing him.
When he emerged later that day, she hugged him tightly, still not knowing what the future held for them both.
Journey to acceptance
After returning to China, Mrs Wang quit her job.
Despite her relief at finding her son, she still couldn’t face her new reality. The shame she felt was still too great.
She had spent thousands of dollars trying to change what she thought was bad Fengshui.
Her son was deeply worried and asked his friends in China to look after her.
It was one of those friends who told her about PFLAG China, an organisation for parents of LGBTQI people.
She attended a few meetings and met other Chinese parents just like her. It felt like a revelation to discover how many there were.
That was the first step in understanding her son wasn’t abnormal. Just like the rest of us, he couldn’t choose his sexuality.
“Coming out is a learning process for Chinese parents as well,” she said.
Wedding day
A lot has happened since then, not the least being her son’s engagement.
Mrs Wang returned to Australia in October for the wedding.
She said it wasn’t like weddings she’d been used to, and not because it was same-sex.
“Everything here seems so simple,” she laughs. “Not like in China with huge banquets and family gatherings.”
Mrs Wang supported the marriage without reservation.
Her shame had long passed. So much so, that she wanted her son to bring his husband to China so they can meet the extended family.
Support for other children
It’s not just her own son that Mrs Wang supports.
She’s become known as "Mum Wang" to other young LGBTQI people in her area. And in turn, she referred to them as her "children". They often seek her advice, especially on how to raise their sexuality with their own families.
She counsels them that many Chinese parents are similar to how she once was, without even basic knowledge.
Before coming out, she thinks it’s best to first provide parents with information about sexuality and in particular, that it’s not a choice.
Mrs Wang also feels it’s better to tell them sooner rather than later, so as to avoid false promises.
Ultimately, she says, parents must face a simple truth.
“Our children have been through so much,” she says now. “We, as their parents, must accept and support them. If we don’t, who will?”
If you need help, you can call the Suicide Intervention Hotline on 13 11 14 or the Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (under 25). For more information on mental health, visit .
